ADOLESCENCE
As
our children reach adolescence, they begin to question what they
have been taught, especially if most of the youth they associate
with are non-Muslims, or non-practicing Muslims.
If
you have already established a positive relationship with your youth,
then your teenage child will come to you with his/her questions
and concerns. Do not mistake these questions and worries as a rebellion
against you or against their religion. They see the kids at school
dating, and it looks like fun. 'Why shouldn't we date?' they wonder.
Be happy that your youth feels comfortable coming to you with these
issues.
If
you have not established a positive relationship with your child
by this time, you will probably have a big problem on your hands,
because your youth will have the same questions, but he won't come
to you for a discussion about them. He will be seeking his answers
from his friends, and if his friends are not actively practicing
Muslims, he may be getting answers that go against Islam.
Why
do some parents and youth have a positive relationship and others
do not? There are at least two important factors here: time and
what kind of time? Did the parents spend time with their children
as they were growing up? Did they make a practice of asking their
children about their school, their friends, and their opinions on
various things, and then LISTEN to their answers?
Remember
positive reinforcement? What kind of time do the parents spend with
their children? Is it based on positive reinforcement, or does the
child expects to hear angry and negative comments every time he/she
tries to talk to a parent?
EXAMPLE:
Thirteen
year Omar is fasting for his second year, during Ramadan. One Saturday
he and another Muslim, Adnan, go to a non-Muslim friend's house
to play. At one o'clock, Omar phones home to tell his mother, “Johnny
keeps asking us to eat lunch. We told him we're fasting and he should
go ahead, but he says if we don't eat, he won't either. Adnan says
if I break my fast, he will too. What should I do?"
"I
can't believe you're asking me that," complains his mother.
"Allah is going to punish you if you don't fast! You know better
than that? Why can't you act like a good Muslim? Your father and
I have taught you better than that!"
How
often will Omar asks his mother any questions after a response like
that? By assuming that his behaviour is negative and giving negative
reinforcement, you can be sure that Omar is not likely to ask his
mother for help again. Instead, imagine if his mother answered this
way:
"You
did the right thing by phoning when you weren't sure. But I think
you already know what you should do. What do you think is the right
thing to do?"
Omar
answers, "I think I should say no, I'm going to keep fasting."
"You
are exactly right," answers his mother. "I'm so proud
of you for the way you are thinking."
~
Freda Shamma PhD ~
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