Marriage—A
Mirage for Many
By Professor Shahul Hameed
-----------------------------
Diverse
are the ways people stray from the middle path of balance
and harmony towards extremes. Often, pressing contingencies
push them from one side, or alluring enticements pull them
from the other. As the poet said, when the centre couldn't
hold, things fell apart.
One
area where deviation from the straight path is rapid is the
family. In the West, the institution of family is facing the
prospect of disintegration. And in the Muslim societies of
the Middle East, the impact of the phenomenon of globalisation
has begun to take its toll on the family, too. Allah Almighty
sent down His guidance for humans to follow in every area
of life. He created humans as male and female to live in an
atmosphere of love, mercy, and sacrifice, as He says in the
Qur'an: [ And among His signs is this, that He created
for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in
tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between
your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who
reflect. ] (Ar-Rum 30:21)
This
verse clearly underscores the institution of marriage as a
means of happiness for humans, unlike other religions that
celebrate celibacy. Rasulullah SAW said, “Marriage is my Sunnah
(example) and anyone who avoids it is not of me.” He also
said, “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion,
so let him fear Allah SWT regarding the remaining half.” We
find that marriage gives people a lawful way for fulfilling
a significant biological need, thereby saving them from all
kinds of aberration in the field of sexual relations. Islam
gives elaborate guidelines for men and women to marry suitable
mates, thereby enabling them to find happiness and contentment
in life.
Obstacles
But unfortunately, we find that many present-day
Muslims deviate from Islamic norms to blindly imitate Western
models and fashions in male-female relationships because they
are led to think of Islamic guidelines as somewhat old-fashioned.
The consequences are disastrous and are wreaking terrible
havoc in our societies. Modern Muslim societies present enormous
difficulties for the young people who seek to find tranquillity
and contentment in life by choosing a suitable mate for marriage.
One Islamic injunction regarding marriage is that the bridegroom
should give mahr (dowry) to the bride before the
consummation of marriage. This gift can be money or gold or
some other gift. Women have the Allah-given right to demand
a certain amount of mahr from a bridegroom. This
simple rule of Islam is obviously subverted by the current
trend to demand exorbitant amounts of money as mahr .
The women who make very high demands say that they want to
ascertain their future security. This implies that it is taken
for granted they are going to have a future for themselves
apart from their husbands. This attitude is an expression
of the cynicism of many young women about husband-wife relationships
and can be a threat to the stability of the marriage.
But
can we say that women alone are responsible for this situation?
Not at all! In fact, the root of their cynicism lies in the
irresponsible behaviour of many men. Islam stipulates that
it is the duty of men to look after their wives and children
and to meet all the common expenses of the family. Women are
not asked to spend a penny from their share of inherited wealth
or from their income. For a bridegroom, both the mahr
—which now has become unreasonably huge—and the future
expenses of the whole family become a veritable burden, unless
he is very rich. It is fine that the bride is free from all
of this responsibility, but the present trend of demanding
a huge sum of money as a condition for marriage means that,
to many young men, married life becomes a mirage. And if they
should marry, the sacrifices they have to make are quite immense;
so many young men are constrained to postpone their marriage
almost indefinitely.
For
this reason, not only young men, but also young women continue
to remain unmarried, even after a reasonable age of consent.
And the increasing number of eligible bachelors and spinsters
long past their prime poses a potential threat to the social
fabric; it becomes a social problem. One result, seen in countries
like Egypt, is the increasing instance of secret or unregistered
marriages. For instance, sometimes-young adults in college
resort to an Egyptian version of common-law marriage; that
is to say they marry without the knowledge of their parents
and live as husband and wife. The children born out of such
marriages are denied any legal rights to the property of their
father.
A
Need for Simplicity
In our societies, one problem is the abandoning of
the principle of simple living and high thinking. The concept
of life in modern times has changed a lot from what it used
to be a few decades ago. Many young people postpone their
marriage until they can afford to have a good house, with
all modern amenities such as a refrigerator, a washing machine,
a television, and so on. It is a grim fact that after completing
graduation, many youngsters have to wait a long time to get
employment in the first place. Then, after getting a job,
they have to wait until they have earned enough money to buy
all the items required for fashionable living. Add to this,
young people's fear of responsibilities; the feeling that
one is not able to cope with the demands of the spouse or
of the relatives. In their own way, the movies and the television
have added to the woes of the young. The exaggerated pictures
of glamorous women and handsome men make many young adults
dream of meeting such creatures in real life, where they do
not exist! The result is disappointment.
The
problem is that people are not aware of the real worth of
Islamic living. It is a pity that even when Muslims have the
Qur'an with them, they do not look at it as Allah's complete
guidance for humankind, whose teachings are valid for day-to-day
life. They foolishly seek haphazard solutions for their problems
in man-made systems; and life becomes a delusion, a mockery,
and a snare.
Professor
Shahul Hameed is a consultant to Ask about Islam. He was previously
the Head of the Department of English, Farook College, Calicut
University, India. He also held the position of president
of the Kerala Islamic Mission, Calicut, India. |
Five
Phrases...We Should Practice...
The best manner to avoid having negative attitudes and emotions
control our bodies is simply to practice the wisdoms that
we have been given throughout the Qur'an and Hadith. We should
say,
1.
"Alhamdullilah” It produces calm and health to practice
saying, "Alhamdulillah" for what we have.
2. "Insha'Allah" for what we intend.
3. "Subhana' Allah" when we see something exciting
or amazing.
4. Astaghfir'Allah" when we lose our tempers or become
weak. and most importantly…
5. "Allahu Akbar" when we are faced with the challenges
of life.
These
five phrases, said regularly, are like taking a multi-vitamin
for holistic health. There is much wisdom in Rasulullah Sallallahu
Alayhi Wa Sallam statement (narrated by Abu Huraira (RA) ,
"The strong [person] is not the one who overcomes the
people by his strength, but the strong [person] is the one
who controls himself while in anger." In fact, staying
patient and calm is key to physical strength. |